I consider myself an underwear expert of the highest order, so when Five Ultimate asked me to review their new pair of boxer briefs, I was skeptical. Underwear is serious business. The wrong fit can prove disastrous for you and some of your most precious parts. Underwear can make you feel better about yourself when you look in the mirror after a tough break up. Underwear doesn’t move away to pursue its own dreams or not text you back within a reasonable time period. No, underwear doesn’t do shit like that because underwear is there for you. It’s there to protect you and gently support your John Thomas and kiwis like a warm private parts hug. It’s there to compliment you and say, “Hey buddy, it’s alright. We’re going to do all of that bullshit holiday stuff like riding the Ferris wheel together even though you pretend that you don’t like it, but actually do like it.”
I take underwear very seriously.
Sexiness (2/5)
We recognize that chest hair anywhere, Zemel.
It’s not just every day you can look like Matty Zemel, but how sexy do I feel in Five Boxer Briefs? Five advertises these briefs as something you can wear just about anywhere — on the field, at your uncle’s wake, or even in the bedroom (that’s a rough segue). While my usual levels of naked sexiness tempt Ra himself, underwear can often enhance sexiness and excite that prudish imagination. When judging sexiness in underwear cut and style are the two key ingredients along with how my abs are feeling that day. From a style standpoint, the Five BBs leave something to be desired. It’s a pretty basic boxer brief look with a stretch band that’s maybe a tad too thick. While I’m proud to let the Five Ultimate logo peak out above my jeans, there really isn’t much to the style of these briefs aside from the one pair that comes in rainbow.
From a sexiness standpoint, the cut itself is somewhat disappointing as it’s a little too large overall, and not quite snug and form fitting enough in the thighs and groin. It’s hard to make my butt look bad, but the cut from leg to gluteus maximus isn’t defined enough and lacks complimentary form. It’s possible that I got too large of a size (I wear 30/30 jeans, have a big butt and got a medium pair), but I just don’t feel that much more like a rockstar in these.
Granted, there are far worse pairs of underwear. The Five BBs are pretty decent in the grand scheme of things. They look fine, just not dead sexy.
Hat (4/5)
Surprisingly, Five Ultimate Boxer Briefs can be warn as an extremely convincing hat. Simply place one of the legs over your head and you’ve got a new do-rag. Because these briefs come in a variety of colors, you can find the rag that matches your every outfit.
Material (4/5)
Five Ultimate materials have been getting better and better. The electro material seems to provide that right bit of flex and sturdiness. The band too is flexible and soft making these seem like a particularly solid pair of boxer briefs. There have been a few cracks of breaking threads from normal wear and removal. Those threads have not led to any apparent damage but it certainly makes me worry a bit about the longevity of the product and knocks it down a point.
I wore these on a run, climbing and at the gym and they surprisingly held up pretty well. The jury is out on how these will hold up after a long tournament weekend. I might test them out at Lei Out and report back.
Comfort/Fit (3/5)
Tagnabbit!
The electro fabric is tried and true in jersey form. Naturally, Five made a wise move in porting over their soft and moisture wicking electro material down south. Still, there’s always that moment’s hesitation when putting a pair of anything on my gender bits. Instantly fear of chafing, wedgies and spontaneously catching fire come to mind. However, the Five boxer briefs hold up quite nicely. I was worried that these guys might ride up a bit in physical activity but the big band and leg hole circumference did a good job keeping them in place. While the fit may not be sexy, from a utilitarian standpoint these boxer brief feel quite nice. In fact, it felt a lot like I was wearing nothing at all. Though there was one exception, the pesky tag.
The tag itself was placed with enough give so that it could stretch with the boxers, but unfortunately that means that it has enough give to bother. And bother it does; it’s an awfully big tag too. In the future Five needs to come up with a solution for these tags by shrinking them drastically or printing information directly on the brief. I would have gladly given these boxer briefs an extra point if the tag wasn’t such a bother.
Overall from a Comfort/Fit standpoint the briefs do pretty darn well. They avoid any major issues and feel pretty good in general. I don’t get that feeling of overwhelming support that I typically like in a pair of boxier briefs, but I don’t get the major horrors either.
Price (4/5)
At $19 for standard colors, these fall at the higher end of similar boxer briefs. To get some more Five Ultimate in your life, it’s not a bad price at all. At $32 for the sublimated version, we’re getting a little steep. Sure, you’re not going to get rainbow shorts just anywhere but $32 is way too much. I’d price them at $22 at most but think that they should really just price both versions the same. If Five wants to make things worthwhile they’ll start an underwear of the month club and do the same thing they did with sublimated shorts. I’d probably pay to get a pair of underwear with a sweet new design every month.
Overall (3/5)
The Five Ultimate Boxer Briefs are a solid piece of underwear. Are they prefect? Far from it. But for a first foray into a very competitive and serious world, the Five briefs stand up pretty well. Getting anything above a 2 on my underwear scale is a lifetime achievement and Five gets a solid 3. They generally feel pretty great (with exception to the tag), seem relatively sturdy and don’t do anything that underwear shouldn’t do.
In a way, the Five Boxer Briefs are trapped in between two worlds. On one hand they want to be casual and sexy. Something you can wear just about anywhere. On the other hand they want to be a performance brand. Right now they don’t seem to tackle either well enough.
So is it worth the $19 price tag? If you particularly like Five Ultimate and are looking for a decent pair of sports briefs, then yes. Though if I’m going the performance route, I’d probably just spend a little extra for a pair of Nike compression shorts and wear them all day.
Five Ultimate Boxer Briefs (Red, Black, Navy, Charcoal, Rainbow, Galaxy) – $19-32
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