MLU Proposes Drastic, Dog-related Changes
This Monday, MLU has announced drastic changes to the league rulebook and rostering. In response to less-than-ideal initial ticket sales and little media presence, team owners have hired an outside consulting agency to find ways to increase interest among several demographics. The league hired a third-party ultimate consulting firm, 4isbee, to research current trends in internet activity.
4isbee is known for several drastic changes to the sport. From 2005 to 2010, they were in charge of making sure it rained at every college tournament in the country. The firm is also responsible for the trade marking of several classic ultimate phrases, yielding significant monetary returns. Mario O’Brien was able to fund his new startup project RISE UP solely on profits from people using his phrase “buttery backhand.” 4isbee also produced the less-successful, “That sticks in my CRAW!” as the official catchphrase of Dr. Tom Crawford. The agency was also the first to clone a Brodie Smith.
4isbee’s research showed that ultimate players of all demographics are not actually watching videos of real ultimate games online. Brodie Smith’s trick shot videos have garnered several million hits more than any games, including last year’s club championship finals. Because of that, the rules have been changed so that all goals must be thrown as a trick shot. New field regulations will include several trash bins, back boards, and brick walls being littered over the field.
Even more significant, MLU hopes to tap into the largest internet market, responsible for more than 43% of all internet data: videos of people’s pets. From these results, MLU has introduced several new rule changes, the most drastic being the introduction of dogs as actual players. “We couldn’t be more excited to spread the sport to our fellow Frisbee lovers,” says MLU spokesman Cole Yeller. Yeller explains that the number one question that players get asked when they say they play ultimate is, “Frisbee huh, so do you play with dogs?” MLU is also hoping that old, wistful players will be contented to know the sport maintains its wholly unprofessional nature while also letting jocks know they now have a chance to beat up on an entire other species.
Needless to say, team roster changes have been exciting. San Francisco’s team, the Fishdogs, have made it clear how important their deep game is by signing several big name receivers and retrievers like Russell Terrier Wynne. Portland’s team, the ‘Dags, has signed stellar players Chase Barking-Speckley and Cujo Bjorklund. Not to be outdone, the Boston Whitefangs have bolstered their handler line with Wisconsin HoDog star Brandon “Muffin” Marmaduke.
As teams prepare for the upcoming season, fans cannot wait to see how the league turns out. Seattle fan Clifford says, “I am so excited to see the games. Last year I was able to see an Alleycats game in Indianapolis. It was great to watch Brodie Smith and I can’t wait to see that sort of thing here, with only slightly more slobber.”