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There and Back Again: An Open Letter to Sam Biddle

by | March 25, 2014, 4:00am 46

Last week an article was brought to my attention that a person referred to as Sam Biddle was taking lazy pot shots at my beloved, fledgling sport of ultimate. Because I don’t want to give his site any boost in traffic, I will paraphrase his article: “Ultimate frisbee is the dumbest game on two feet, played by people who lack shame and self awareness.”

Well Mr. Biddle, I may not be aware of myself, but I am now quite aware of you.

First off, Mr. Biddle, my apologies for the delayed response. I only write two blog posts per month so that I can give the people something worth reading– it’s a strategy you may want to consider.

See, normally the people who attack the things I love hide behind easily acquired anonymous usernames. They are smart. You, however, held your hand high above a pile of steaming defecation and proudly declared “This is mine. Look everyone, come see what my donut stuffed bowels have lazily plopped out on this internet page.” And so I looked. Then I left. Then I came back and I looked again… and yet still I could not comprehend why anyone who regurgitated such bile into a public place would leave a flag over it waving their name.

“A name means a lot. It is the only one you got.” An old women told me that; she made the best homemade donut holes. Fun fact: The french name for donut holes is “pet de nonne” and translates into “Nun’s farts”. Right here, I am ever-so-tempted to mention how I provided the reader more useful and humorous information in that one sentence than you did in your entire blog…

Sorry, Biddle. I get easily distracted by both donuts and facts, but I suspect you are only interested in one of those two, so let’s get back to the topic at hand. I utilized the Google and typed in your name. Very little came up; a couple blogs here, a brief mention there, and a page with a big red prohibition sign over your picture. The only other time I’ve seen that symbol is for “no smoking.” I will ignore the parallels between your blog and cigarettes, for I don’t want to give cigarettes a bad name.

While on the cusp of reading some of your writing, I wavered and an imaginary cricket started to talk to me in voice like Michael Caine.

“If one has plans to speak on the truth of Mr. Biddle, one should at least dabble in some of his prose. It would be quite uncouth to…”

Then another cricket appeared and shoved the first one off my shoulder and said, in a voice that sounded a lot like Stephen Colbert, “Stop. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. Pretending you read his stuff will be better than actually reading it, trust me.”

No, crazy Colbert cricket, leave me alone. I will not stoop that low. I will do real research.

I entered the Biddle blog, and yes, it was boggish: the dead carcass of a bloated tech article rubbed my ankles, hack jobs of wealthy CEO’s hung from the walls. Really though, there was nothing there, nothing but decaying words of misplaced hate sprayed down with age old jealous spite. Then it dawned on me: this is troll territory. It’s been barely disguised but this is surely a troll’s blog. I couldn’t breathe; the smell of infested sewage had clawed it’s way into both nose cavities and was eroding my comprehension of decency.

Then I saw you. The Biddle in true form. You were chewing on the hind leg of a young tech startup. Right then, the munching stopped. Tense silence. Do you remember? I certainly do: the fear seeping from my body in the form a cold sweat. Had you heard me? Could you smell me? I began to back up slowly until my left foot betrayed me by stepping upon some poor soul’s brittle bone. SNAP! In a howl, you reared up.

"Biddle in True Form," by Beau Kittredge

“Biddle in True Form,” by Beau Kittredge

Now dearest Biddle, it was dark and I was drenched in dread so my sight may not have been perfect. But I tell you in all honesty that there are no words that could describe that creature and that is why I have attempted to sketch you. Feel free to add details I may have missed.

Anyway, you never caught me. I got away safely by screaming and clawing my way back to the normal internet. Once there I went to clear my mind with a fix of some cute cat photos on reddit, yet something had followed me by attaching to my shoe as toilet paper does. I took a peek, it was a photo of you in your human form.

Here is a picture of Mr. Biddle.

Here is a picture of Mr. Biddle

As an avid BBC Sherlock Holmes fan I couldn’t help but perform my own deductions. First it easy to see you have taken the body of a direct descendant of the hobbit known as Samwise Gamgee. An interesting choice for sure but the real story hides in the details. The hair: combed over yet disheveled, pretending not to care about appearance but secretly wanting to hold on to the cute boy appeal because of a strong fear of aging. The face: pinched in the brow and borderline pudgy, it is stuck in a constant form of perplexed and misled ambition, as if the world owes it something yet never paid up because the world never does. The small shirt: speaks to a slight weight gain probably due to recent increases in consumption of the alcoholic beverage positioned in the right hand. The sweatpants: good choice, sweatpants are comfortable. The book: a book called Lacrosse For Dummies, which is odd. Why would you perform such research on lacrosse and not ultimate? Ultimate is following a very similar growth trajectory and both of them use a flick of the wrist. My guess is that you were drawn to the words “For Dummies” or thought “Lacrosse” meant a Lava Cake mixed with a Hot Cross Bun.

All this photographic evidence strongly points to a man who never quite made it in the world of athletic endeavors. A man who, sadly, was bullied by big, mean jocks in his past. Back in high school, those jocks had the power and they abused it by picking on you. If only you had tried to play ultimate, you would have been accepted and all this could have been avoided. Fast forward to now, is it not ironic that you have the potential to be heard by so many and yet you waste that power by picking on a small, adolescent sport like ultimate? The sport of ultimate is the tiny, bedraggled high school kid with big bifocals, still being dunked head first in misconceptions and beaten down by older stereotypes, still fighting back for just a little respect. Yes, we may be scrawny now, but so too once was Captain America. One day this sport will be injected with experimental serum from the military (this serum will be in the form of a huge deal with TNT, where Charles Barkley will mispronounce our players’ names). Even while riding success as our steed, we will remain fiercely noble and kind. We will be the sport America wants with the kindness America needs.

Why do I say this? Well, Mr. Biddle, I will tell you why in the form of list because lists are hot right now. The top five reasons you should convert to loving ultimate:

1) It costs less than a pair of sweatpants to play, which is great for those who don’t make much money.

2) It’s a terrific workout: if all kids played, child obesity would be down at least 78%.

3) It has a community open to everyone regardless of race, beliefs, or sexual preference.

4) There have been zero recorded shark attacks on people playing ultimate.

5) It teaches teamwork, trust and respect for your opponents both on and off the field.

Now that’s that done, I have a sneaking suspicion that my list did not convince you, so I will I will try another a list and add money: a list of challenges with a winning sum of $10,000 to a charity of your choosing. My friend Martin is good for it. Anyway, I invented these by concluding that perhaps you thought my sport a pushover full of rotund hippie hippos. Think of this challenge like the TV show Pros vs Joes. You can be Joe. Or it can be like Man vs Animal and I can be a sloth. Now I know this may seem odd, but having to tell people you lost to a sloth would be grand. Here are my challenges:

1) The handler catch: You have the entire field to work with, and you can pick any thrower. All you have to do is catch the disc twice while I am covering you. The thrower has 10 seconds to throw the disc and the catch must be made at least 20 feet away from the thrower. You get 10 attempts. If you catch two or more, you win!

2) The deep reception: You will start 40 yards away from the endzone I will start 10 yards behind you on the 50 yard line. There is thrower with the disc also standing on the 50 yard line. You start running for the end zone, the thrower will try to hit you in the endzone. Same bar: if you can catch 2 out of 10, you win.

3) The throw: An orange cone sits 70 yards away from us. As we stand back to the wind, we take turns throwing at the cone. If you can strike the ground closer to the cone two out of ten times, you win.

If you sign up now, I will let you try all three!!! What a deal. However if you somehow lose you must do two things: 1) Come watch the opening game of my AUDL season, and (the hard part for you) 2) after the game you must write another article without prejudice about our sport. If you still think it should be linked closely to the word lame, thats fine. At least the next time your literary defecation will have a slight smell of knowledge. Go Biddles.

Waiting with bated breath, yours truly, Beau Kittredge.

This blog’s question is: What is a Biddle? Example answer: The mixture of snot and saliva perched on the lip of toddler who is yelling nonsensical words in order to gain attention, usually pertaining to a loaded diaper.

Oh yeah, and thanks a lot to all the people who answered the first question. Some were funny and some reminded me why I keep playing. The winner of the last contest was Edwin with “I knew I love Ultimate when I was more excited to play Ultimate than to play League of Legends.” Edwin, please email neeley@skydmagazine.com to claim your prize.

Because last time’s voting turned into an odd social experiment, this time the winner will be chosen by my roommate, Ash. Plus the winning answer will be uploaded onto urbandictionary.com.

 

Comments Policy: At Skyd, we value all legitimate contributions to the discussion of ultimate. However, please ensure your input is respectful. Hateful, slanderous, or disrespectful comments will be deleted. For grammatical, factual, and typographic errors, instead of leaving a comment, please e-mail our editors directly at editors [at] skydmagazine.com.

46 Responses to “There and Back Again: An Open Letter to Sam Biddle”

  1. tim tim says:

    Phil Johnsons a BADASS! Welcome to Skyd Phil!

  2. @Z_Zed_Zed says:

    Who said heckling is a lost art?

  3. mossdismossdat says:

    Biddle – An email account used whenever you need a login but don't want spam; a bad internet drivel dump. i.e., 'I just used my Biddle to comment on this article' – biddle@biddlybid.com

  4. "but so too once" says:

    OF COURSE you have a roommate named Ash.

  5. Bryant Winters says:

    Biddle: "Because i don't do laundry enough". An excuse used when a player drops a pass or makes a poor cut.

  6. Edward Bredin says:

    Biddle- That last bit of Cheeto dust wedged firmly between your fingers, right in the webbing part, that you must compulsively lick out, like a dog getting the last bit of peanut butter out of a jar.

  7. Blue says:

    Biddle: to try to change someone's mind by leveling personal attacks against his character and appearance (can also include encouraging hordes of others to do the same). Generally extremely effective in middle school.

  8. Andrew Braff says:

    Biddle; A verb, "as in to biddle"; to belittle things one knows nothing about.

  9. Can confirm that the shark attack stat is wrong

  10. Cole says:

    The Biddles: The sexually transmitted disease obtained from using Santorum as the salad dressing of a Tossed Salad. Symptoms include a seething pain in the mouth causing extreme vomitting of material often discribed as the undigested remains of a rotting armadillo. The only cure of which is to be fully accepted into a lovable community without predjudices (I can't spell), similar to Ultimate.

  11. PLJ says:

    Biddle; senseless drivel being spouted out by the best ultimate player on the planet and salivated over by the rest. 'Beau just had another article filled with biddle published on SKYD.'

    Really though, does noone else find these unbearably hard to read?

    • GEW says:

      I agree that this is not good writing. It is just a bunch of poorly executed witty remarks over and over again. The effort to sound intelligent/creativity is pretty unbearable.

      • HEB says:

        I also agree that this isn't good writing, but I don't think good writing is Beau's goal here. I think he's just lightheartedly poking fun at ultimate naysayers, and I find his posts like these very entertaining. I would argue that his witty remarks are on the whole fairly well executed and even would go so far as to say that when Beau writes this way there is an intimacy and playful connection being created with his readers that otherwise would be lacking in strictly serious pieces. I admire the way in which Beau is able to make it seem like his targets are being honored by his colorful lambasting. Ideally, I would want to see a balance between "whimsical, troll-hunting" Beau and "thoughtful, wisdom-dropping" Beau, but looking back on his recent posts I don't think he is too far off target on this.

    • Ken says:

      To Beau – thanks, you made me laugh – again. And your message is spot-on, as usual.

      To the literary critics PLJ and GEW,: I just want to call your attention to the word "Blog" in the masthead. Perhaps you confused this with the New Yorker literary review.

  12. Adam says:

    Biddle – (verb) 1. An attempt to bid at the disc – displaying effort towards a goal – but ultimately resulting in crushing one's nuts against the ground/a defender. "Brody tried for the disc, but biddled himself pretty bad on that play."

  13. MrFrank says:

    Biddle(v.): To put an asshole on blast
    #KittredgeforPresident

  14. Biddle: a quickly conceived, poorly executed attempt at drawing attention to the shortcomings of a group; biddles typically backfire and cause most to lose respect for the person who created them in the first place (ex. the MLU's podcast trashing USAU)

  15. Jason says:

    Biddle: the little bit of poo that gets stuck in your underpants when you think you're farting but you're not.

  16. geterdone says:

    Biddle : a unit of measurement that marks the change in an Ill informed opinion. IE 'after joining the NRA, my knowledge of the bill of rights went up 3 Biddles.

  17. Octavio says:

    biddle- that one lazy kid in p.e. who complains every time he is asked to do some kind of physical activity. The guy who gets picked last when choosing teams because having him on your team is like being down one player.
    "Gosh John is such a biddle, he never wants to do anything!"

  18. Scott says:

    Biddle: Jersey stains attained when laying out on a field littered with animal feces. The most common form of biddle is of the goose variety.

    "Dude, you got so high on that bid! We got it on camera!"

    "Thanks bro, but I got a mouthful of biddle on the landing. Not worth the profile picture."

  19. roxanne says:

    Biddle – an obnoxious ignoramus that trolls around an Ultimate field, making all the wrong calls and defending them with stubbornness and childish defiance. Someone with zero SOTG yet pretends to know the sport, but clearly do not belong there.

  20. Alex says:

    Pro tip, kids: always turn to the almighty google for inspiration to answers to questions of this sort. A quick google search for "Biddle Definition" shows that urban dictionary already has a definition for Biddle ("To get royally dicked over by your friends), but that's not applicable here because a Biddler is not your friend in this instance, and also since part of the prize is to get your answer on urban dictionary then answers from there are automatically disqualified. However, the same google search turns up this interesting little nugget from the Roycroft Dictionary (http://www.roycrofter.com/dict.htm#B):

    "Biddle: The act of introducing a prize-fight in a Sunday School."

    Let's see what we can deduce from this definition about such a person:

    Sunday School is for children, so a Biddler clearly hates children (and let's face it, if you hate Ultimate you have no Spirit and probably hate children too–Ultimate is great for players of all ages). Besides that, a Biddler is going against GOD HIMSELF (Sunday School is church too) and thus can no doubt expect to be struck by lightning as punishment for his insolence; if you hate Ultimate you're a heretic too, albeit of a different kind, and no doubt will be punished accordingly*. And finally, a Biddler is an antagonistic sort of person who enjoys picking fights for no reason (what is there to gain by having kids fight in Sunday school). Ultimate comparison: that jerk player on the other team (or hopefully not on your team) with horrible spirit who makes terrible calls, excessive fouls/dirty plays, and argues/whines about everything.

    *Official Disclaimer: the views and especially the theology contained in this definition do not necessarily represent the theology of this commenter. The commenter is not held liable for any negative backlash pertaining thereto.*

  21. Matt says:

    This is a terribly long article for a blog that was maybe about 2 paragraphs.

  22. the sloth says:

    "i have a Biddle!" formerly aka "i have a Mackenzie" formerly aka "i have a mismatch!"

  23. frank says:

    Beau, I think Ultimate is a stupid game, the rules are dumb and the offenses currently being run are beyond primitive. I'll take the $10,000 challenge. I'm a 54 year old man, surely you can shut me down.

    Frank Huguenard

    • TitusTradewell says:

      Glad to see you're still around, Frank.

    • Sam Moller says:

      Is it really you, Frank?!

    • dusty.rhodes says:

      FRAAAAAANK!!!! I missed you. You push my thoughts on ultimate to a higher level.

      Beau is not as easy a defender to beat as he once was… be careful what you wish for.

      What are the two of you wagering on this second-level wager?
      And, who picks the thrower?

      • Ed Hochuli says:

        Uh, ever heard of 'schoops?
        Frank will be throwing to himself.

        • dusty.rhodes says:

          I don't think you're the real Ed "Pipes" Hochuli.
          Address me with your real name or GTFO.
          What are you sheltering? Your opinions from your identity or your identity from your opinions?

          If you think I've not heard of dischoops, go back to dar's blog to do some research. #MyNameisMyName. What's yours?

  24. Alex says:

    Biddle: The mold that slowly creeps up the toilet bowl when you don't clean it for an extended period of time

  25. Jake says:

    Biddle (n): A minute remain of defecation remaining in the surrounding hair of a felines anus.

    "My cat always has Biddle's after he uses the litter box."

  26. Zog says:

    Biddle (V): to layout into a pile of poo.

  27. ultimate what says:

    Wow I like my how my comment which wasn't in favour of this article was deleted. Good job moderator.

  28. Dirts says:

    Biddle: "To troll blogs" i.e. So many people biddle posts on Skydmagazine.com

  29. @edzitron says:

    You're a mean one, Mr. Biddle.
    You really are a heel.
    You're as cuddly as Carl Icahn,
    You're as charming as an eel,
    Mr. Biddle!

    You're a bad seed round with a unfavorable terms!

    You're a monster, Mr. Biddle!
    Your feed's an empty hole.
    Your brain is full of brands.
    You've got klout in your soul, Mr Biddle!
    I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole!

    You're a vile one, Mr. Biddle.
    You have termites in your smile,
    You have all the tender sweetness of code that won't compile, Mr Biddle!

    Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take code that won't compile!

    You're a foul one, Mr. Biddle.
    You're a nasty wasty skunk.
    Your heart is full of unvested options.
    Your tweets are full of gunk,
    Mr Biddle.

    The three best words that best describe you,
    Are as follows, and I quote:
    Stink!
    Stank!
    Stunk!

    You're a rotter, Mr. Biddle.
    You're the king of sinful blogs,
    Your heart's an unfollowed parody account posting funny dogs, Mr Biddle.

    Valleywag is an appalling dump heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots.

    You nauseate me, Mr. Biddle!
    With a nauseous super naus!
    You're a crooked jerky blogger,
    And you have a crooked boss, Mr. Biddle!

    You're a three-decker sour Hopkins
    and toadstool sandwich,
    With arsenic sauce!

  30. A lot of time spent on a guy who doesn't care about the sport. I don't think the ultimate community is doing itself any favors by acting so defensive.

  31. Paul U says:

    I've come across this Sam Biddle before. He writes about Silicon Valley a bit. People consider him the Perez Hilton of tech writing, or something like that. Whatever it was, he was compared to Perez Hilton. He's got that going for him, I guess.

  32. don mcpherson says:

    Our buddy Biddle is clearly about small trifles, so… Biddle (n). A field ready half scale bidet for rinsing half scale (or smaller) trifles.

  33. Ilyas says:

    Biddle – the spare tire developed by people that sit for a living. "Man that writer has a Mig old Biddle"

  34. NWSW says:

    Biddle:
    The political, social, economic, cultural, personal, sticky, ubiquitous, never-ending, doleful mess that Donald Rumsfeld leaves in every country he touches (i.e. Afghanistan and Iraq)

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