In The Know – Winning the Party

by | February 6, 2011, 12:25pm 0

When not playing Ultimate, college participants are known to frequent a tournament party. Winning said event is considered by many to be more coveted than winning the actual tournament tournament.  Plus, if you tell the whole field that you are going to win the party, they will know that you aren’t just some day-drinking schmuck with nothing better to do on a Saturday morning, and you’ll have WAY better chance of getting felt up through your Five Shorts after you pass out.  With these goals in mind, here are some tips on attaining an otherwise unreachable level of glory.

  • Play “Edward Double-Big-Gulp Hands” (That’s 64 ounces in each hand!).
  • Drinking and playing is always a good decision, but this is a competition.  You need to dehydrate yourself to the point where you’re bidding for hallucinatory discs, so match every sip of water with a fifth of hard A.
  • Nudity is always the best policy. Just look at the Muppets. You don’t see any of them wearing clothes and they get mad tang.
  • Start a chant, at least one. And if you’re really feeling adventurous, make everything a chant.
  • Be really entertaining. Walk around telling hilarious jokes. If you don’t have any hilarious jokes, walk around shouting random joke punchlines, people will get the idea.
  • Land sharks are good, land sharks with nude holders are better. The same can be said for land porpoises.
  • Winning the party means helping everyone else win. HJs/BJs for everyone.
  • Tape a beer bong to your face for easy access. I’d say the same thing about leaving your fly open, but you already aren’t wearing pants.
  • If you find yourself outside taking a cigarette break with fellow partiers, comment ironically on how disgusting cigarettes are and proceed to spit on each of their faces. You’re the man now, dog.
  • Do something you regret, or at least something everyone else will regret.
  • One of the highest party achievements is not a threesome but instead a teamsome. Show some brotherly (or sisterly) love and get gay.
  • If you get tired of doing a keg-stand, transition to a keg-sit.
  • No matter what you do, never ever go to sleep. Sleep tells everyone else that you don’t have what it takes to party.

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