Player Profile: Timothy “TMoney” Perston, OSU Beavers

A gangly monster on the field and a hand-full on the dance floor, Timmy Perston has bounded to the top of our hearts and right past his defender to snag the disc. This year he is captaining the Oregon State Beavers and will continue to dominate the skies as a key member of the Portland based open club Rhino as they seek vengeance after a heavy 4th place finish at NW Regionals last season. Skyd Magazine is stupid with laughter after having interviewed this face familiar in the Northwest.

Skyd Magazine: What’s your full name?

Timothy Douglas Perston: Timothy Douglass Perston

Any nicknames?

Tmoney

How did you first get involved in Ultimate?

When I came to OSU campus I signed up for every club at the school: Linux Users, Chemistry, Soccer, Table Tennis, Underwater Basket Weaving, etc. I tried out for our Division I Rowing team, and caught bullpen for our back-to-back National Champion Baseball team. I chose Beaver Ultimate cause they didn’t stray away when I mooned the women’s team. My anniversary: September 27th, 2006.

Did you play any other sports in High School?

I played baseball and soccer in high school, pretty damn well I might add. I was also the mascot, the Chieftain. But it was a face character, I just wear a Native American headdress and a Halloween/pajama costume; it was weird cause even though people could see my face I still didn’t break character.

Who are your heroes in Ultimate?

Aaron Richards, I’ve never played with him before, but I saw him one time and he really looks like Christian Bale and I bet Batman could introduce me to Charlize Theron. She’s beautiful! She did a commercial for some perfume and I totally almost bought it just cause I thought she might get some portion of my money. But dood, perfume is expensive!

What are your goals for the Beavers Ultimate this season?

Hmm, more ladies! These guys need some lovin. But on the serious tip, we need to be focused after Spring break. They are like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Spring break is like a huge pepperoni pizza, and then the series is the Foot Clan. Well, all of the seasons I’ve played, Shredder and his Clan smash our booties cause we can’t reign in the mind grapes from eating the pizza. The Turtles are like, “we made it to the pizza, we ain’t gotta do nothing now!” But snot this year! Imma throw Shredder in the back of a garbage truck, “whoops.”

What are your strengths as a player?

“I’m not a playa, I just crush a lot.” – Big Pun
I can put my legs behind my head. Flexibility is where it’s at. I’m fast everywhere except the bedroom, cause I got that shizz treated. Nahh, but on the real tip, I’m pretty quick and I can jump like House of Pain; I just hope I catch the disc in the endzone because I don’t wanna have to make any decisions besides what Fresh Prince dance I want to do.

What is one tip you would give to an aspiring player?

The mushroom.

No sex within a week of a tournament.

Whatever you are trying to learn, find some fool who does it really well and mimic him/her to a tee! No joke, be it throwing, jumping, running, thrusting, wiping, choice in lovers. If you can picture that person throwing a flick when you throw a flick, you will end up throwing much like that person; so pick somebody who can throw a flick, not like some guy with no arms or something, that won’t help; maybe with the thrusting though, he’s probably got mad core strength. Also, don’t learn the rules or people’s names – don’t learn who the popular and strong players are. It will only teach you to play to a level that makes sure that person is still better than you. Imagine nobody knows you, for some this isn’t difficult, but anywho – imagine nobody knows what yo bad self is capable of.

If not Ultimate, then what?

Porn

What’s the best sky you’ve ever snagged over an opponent?

One time I farted while catching it over a dood for the score. Then I was able to use the disc as a fan! GPTB.
I jumped over another guy once, he had it cumin though; bastard was all like wearin’ matching stuff and shizz.

Describe the worst time you’ve ever been skyed.

This always comes on D. You be jumpin up there like you bounded off of someone’s back and you wind yo arm up like one of those guys chopping through the cinder blocks, meanwhile the other guy comes up like a hummingbird and snags the disc right from underneath your nosehairs. I can remember some really humbling experiences at college Vegas some years ago, and Potlatch couple summers back. But nothing specific, yall gotta stop living in the past.

What beats gets you the most pumped up?

I got this job I do for the university, I can’t actually tell anybody about it cause it might ruin some little kid’s life and he might turn into a cereal killer or something; throwin Captain Crunch out of a moving car and what not. But anyway, this job involves like energy, rivaling most Nascar races. I get all jacked on coffee grounds and a few times in my five years I’ve been known to listen to a song or two. But before I say this, I don’t agree with these folks who need headphones and Walkman to get from home to store/campus/bathroom. I don’t like music getting in my way of possibly overhearing something hilarious. So these are my “job” songs over the last five years:

Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass
Beastie Boys – Super Disco Breakin
Majik Most – Just A Feelin
Ja Rule – I’m Real
2pac – Hit em Up
CunninLynguists – Hellfire
David Bowie – Changes
The Hood Internet
Jay-Z – Fallin’
Juvenile – Slow Motion (Ft. Soulja Slim)
Symmetry/Ryan Lewis – Feel Right

I think of Ultimate, among other things, when I hear these songs:

2 Live Crew – Hoochie Mama
KC and the Sunshine Band – Keep It Comin’ Love

And I can guarantee a show when this track comes on:

Notorious B.I.G. – Mo Money Mo Problems

Favorite Cleat?

I haven’t bought new cleats since my parents were frontin the bill. This is for real, as long as I’ve been playing Ultimate, I have been wearing hand-me-down cleats. Used, broken, too small, too big, smelly, and white, I wear whatever somebody is done with. I honestly don’t think I’ve worn the same cleat twice. If there’s any controversy, we can check the power lines around my house.

What’s your favorite tournament to play in?

Volleyball, I’m a sucker for chicks in spankies.

I am totally ignorant and fairly uneducated, so please forgive my ignorance of tournaments. I’m torn because Labor Day in Santa Cruz is the most beautiful, hard, and sweet, sweet boogie down production, dancehall stucky tournament West of the Mississippi. But then there’s Trouble in Vegas, which gives college kids a chance to put hair on their chest without eating Grandpa’s onion sandwiches. But, call me ol fashioned, I love playing in Mixed tournaments. Sorry, but they are so easy and relaxed and a lot less pressure. Plus, who doesn’t love to watch some agro Mixed dood think this point is life or death. I sound so serious, my apologies.

Rhino had a heartbreaking loss in the game to go in 2010. How did the team react and does Rhino have any changes in the works?

This reminds me of my first art class, I stood up as the nude model, BLACKED OUT, and when I woke up, friends of mine were in tears. No, yeah, we played, I remember the sun and perfect weather plus wind, then all of a sudden we needed to try. It was weird. This next year? It’s gonna be different! This is some insider information, but who’s reading anyway? Rumors have been passed around that we might get a blue jersey.

What is Rhino going to have to do to burst back into the Club Championships?

I don’t have a position on the team to say such things; I’m only a pretty face with debt and a jersey. I wouldn’t argue if the doods started manscaping a little more. And it wouldn’t hurt to have less guys who are gonna cut their own horn off every time the other team scores. Just like I tell my girlfriend – you need to roll with the punches.

What are your personal goals for the upcoming club season?

I’ve never had a 10. But one night, I had five 2s!
I would also like more length, go from a 7 to a 9, I have the thickness, but I want little kids to be able to do gymnastics on it.
Be unstoppable. Be more aggressive. Demand the disc. Throw a grip of goals, mostly breakside!

What is with the hot orange cleat covers and the orange beanie? When and why did you start wearing them?

Man, these traditions have been years in the making. Colored socks have been around since before I started eating solid food, but they really stuck in high school when the varsity baseball players would pee in my locker because of the socks. I started folding them under when I was at a really sunny, hot and bothered Rhino tryout and I didn’t want the tan lines. I only wear the orange one on the right leg cause when I was a freshmen at OSU I ran into a car on my bike the weekend before OFUDG and needed something to hold the bandages on the stitches. I also only wear the orange one on Sundays. On Saturdays, I wear two colors and the darker one goes on the right leg. The hat came around while I was interviewing for the “job” at OSU in 2006 and I accidently kept it on the whole time despite the interview being with the president of OSU Sports Marketing, and the Athletic Director. I got the job. Kept wearing the same hat until I let a security guard at the 2009 Maaco Bowl borrow it and he didn’t give it back. Now I wear whatever orange beanie I get for Christmas; with the tags still on it. If only yall knew ALL of the superstitions that came with playing ultimate.

It’s rumored that you don’t drink. Is this true? If yes, what made you decide not to drink?

It’s true. Sort of. I didn’t drink until my 21st birthday. I just turned 22. Ipso facto, I have been drinking for a year. I’m not very good at it, and it’s not really my style of ride. I had no desire to drink. Trust me, you can get arrested just as many times when sober. I never drank before my 21st, it just made more sense to give her all the drinks and then I would be able to drive us to a secluded location; no need to bring a sandwich to a buffet. My drinking is only on occasion. No personal reasons or anything, more or less, I like getting sick nasty without the sauce. Plus, I can dance a lot better without it. But you know what, yo go to the barber enough times, yo gonna get ya hair cut. Only hard, no beer, unless it’s Eazy-E’s “800,” but that’s only for when I’m in naked lab.

How would a knife fight between the OSU Beaver and the U of O Duck go down?

I don’t know either of these characters very well. But from what I can gather, Puddles is usually a “bro”-type dood and has no real athleticism. Benny tends to inherit a demeanor similar to that of an Olympian, eight-year-old, who grew up watching Jim Carrey movies and listening to the “Humpty Dance.” Totally speculation, but Benny would probably let Puddles initiate the fight, with maybe a shove or poke. Then Benny, without any movements that would draw audience attention, would possibly lunge like a pirate and slash Puddles with a small shank held in his hand like a third grader would hold a pencil. Then as Puddles turns around, Benny has already ducked and slid to Puddle’s opposite, to avoid visual. Puddles then stumbles and Benny begins to do the running man, slipping the blade into the battery compartment of his extremely large melon. I imagine.

How do you want to leave this earth?

With more gas than when it was given to me.

Growing up, I always assumed I would die in an accident. Unforeseen. Tragic. And unavoidable. But I’m older meow, and I have a girl that I love. So that’s no longer an option. These days, all I want is to make people laugh. I want to entertain everybody, from the kids to the old-fart, grandparent, diaper cowboys. I want my girly to know all the shizz I do is in the long run, for her. I want somebody to slip on a banana peel that I leave behind.

And the hard part:

cash money or credit cards

layout D or huge sky

NWA or Public Enemy

hammer or scoober

refs or observers or screw it

Give ’em the clamps, Clamps or Shut up Baby, I know it.

High release flick or lefty backhand

Make it Rain or Purple Rain

Patagonia, Five, VC, Breakmark, Spin, Savage or Lookfly