In The Know – Motivating Your Team

Every good team has one player who could convince the entire squad to run off of a cliff lemming-style in order to limit the population.  If you want that kind of power, here are some “in the know” tips to help motivate your team before the game-to-go-to-the-game-to-go-to-the-game-to-the-wake-me-up-before-you-go-go.

• Allow foam to form in the corners of your mouth to show the team you mean business.

• Gesticulate wildly to keep the attention of the guy who forgot his Ritalin.

• Get naked.  The sight of your tender flesh will get the team’s blood boiling.

• Bring alcohol, cause hey, people like you better when you have alcohol.

• Create the perfect pump-up mix.  Nothing says “team bonding” like getting drunk and recording yourselves trying to remember how to sing the Irish National Anthem.

• Recording yourselves might take a little bit of planning, and because you play Ultimate, you are naturally bad at that, so the theme song from “A Walk To Remember” can really get your team going in a pinch.

• Explain in detail the method in which you will eviscerate (that means pulling out intestines, kids) the other team, and laugh as their faces go slack after you break for the score.

• Bring weapons to the speech.  Everyone listens to the guy waving a .30-06.

• You know what motivates people? American flags, American flag shorts, American flag jorts, American flag thongs, American flag bandannas. Lots of anything with an American flag on it. Because if you don’t love America, you’re not motivated.

• Take a note from Cornell Buds and remind your team to “play to get their dicks sucked“.

• Lastly, if you are having trouble motivating your team, tell them that “anyone who isn’t motivated should leave.” Then stomp off never to be seen again. If you did your job, they won’t need you.