Good day loyal readers! We hope your year has been as eventful as ours. Spring has sprung here at Chalet du Crawford, where we’ve been lucky enough to enjoy good old Tommy Boy’s hospitality (and wine cellar) for the past fortnight. We’ve split our days swimming laps (that boy Brodie sure can clean a pool!), skeet shooting and upping our yacht game.
As you may recall, last year’s volume of the Guide spoke to our adoption kick. 2012 has been a year of streamlining for The Gentlemen, so along with dissolving our frivolous charities, we managed to sell the children for a tidy profit. However, The Gentlemen, scorning insider trading, were heavily leveraged in Greek treasury notes and were hit hard by the crash of their market. Yes, it pains us to say it as much as it hurts you to hear it – we lost money. Never fear, dear reader! The Gentlemen always keep an ace deep, deep in the hole. We took an unprofitable piece of software geared towards dirty hipsters and sold it to the same Harvard dropout that screwed over our good friends the Winkelvi. Hey Zuckerberg, you know what’s cool? The billion dollars you paid us for Instragram. Suck it.
Anyway, back to the here and now. While our stay at TC’s palatial grounds has certainly been pleasant, The Gentlemen have not been idle. We’ve spent long nights in the study, cradled in plush leather chairs, surrounded by Black Dragon cigar smoke, as we exercised our myriad connections in the boardrooms of Fortune 500 companies across the globe. Favors were called in, deals were struck, butlers were traded. In the end, as always, The Gentlemen finished the job.
Therefore, it is our great pleasure to announce the USAU’s new partnership with corporate America: The Quaker Steak and Lube® National Invitational Discraft® Championships, brought to you by Virgin Mobile®. This infusion of corporate cash will Revolutionize the Game®. We’re talking TV deals, official merchandise, profit sharing, sex scandals and embezzlement. To help kick start the Revolution of the Game®, The Gentlemen will do what they do best: bring you the annual guide to North Central Regionals, sponsored by Koch Industries®.
Seedings brought to you by Emerald Nuts®
Now that The Gentlemen have secured the Future of the Sport® , we again cede to tradition and begin seeding this illustrious tournament. Thanks to Skyd Magazine, Leaguevine, and other hippie-centric newsfeeds, this job has Never Been Easier®. However, in the Spirit of Santorum (coincidentally, the name of our yacht) The Gentlemen will buck “conventional wisdom” and instead peer into our Cristal® ball to divine the results of this weekend’s games at the Malt-o-Meal® field complex:
1. The Carrolton CUTs – Following a relatively unimpressive regular season performance, and a lucrative sponsorship from with Fiskars®, the “UPenn of the Midwest” finds itself atop the seedings once again after drubbing a solid UM-Grey Derk team in the conference finals. Look out for Jonah Herscu-Herscu to break the mark to fast cutters like Julian Child-Stalker and Nick Stuart-Nick. Equally dangerous is Simone Capulet-Montague, he of long limb and long face. Embarrassed by yet another failed bid for Ivy League status (better luck next year boys), expect the Carroltonians to loose their indignant rage upon their opponents.
2. Wisconsin Hoaxdags – The Gentlemen’s frustration with this state continues to grow with every news story we see about recalling Scott Walker. After months spent on the campaign trail with Rick Santorum, we feel we have our fingers on the pulse of American politics – Walker represents all that is right with this nation. That being said, this liberal wasteland of sex, drugs and above average frisbee again finds themselves in the second spot going into the weekend. Look for Nexgen stud Colin “Macaulay Culkin” Camp, to lay a plethora of adorable booby traps for his opponents. It is also rumored that Hodag big man Dave Wiseman-Fennig has recently gotten engaged to former UW-Eau Claire SOL standout Robyn Fennig. The Gentlemen expect Dave to play out the weekend with the Fiskars® CUT now that he has joined the hyphenated name club.
3. University of Minnesota-Target® Graey Ducks are hungry for revenge after failing to qualify last year. This catastrophe was on par with John Carter and the crash of the Costa Concordia combined (both of which regrettably were financed by The Gentlemen). They’ve put together a strong regular season performance based largely on Stefphfan Mance’s ability to win arguments by yelling “LOUD NOISES!”. Danni Miesen is back on the roster this weekend after successfully appealing IOC charges that he is a 12 year old girl. Finally age-eligible, look out for this wee fellow to make an impact. Rumor has it that he tends to get “handsy” after a cocktail or two.
4. The Luther Collage by Crayola® – While The Gentlemen traditionally endorse schools with tuitions exceeding that of the median income of an American family, the Lufdas are a hard team to love. The Brothers Johnstone sport the ugliest neck beards in the region, betraying their backwoods origins. The Gentlemen fully endorse the indiscriminate killing of innocent animals in the name of keeping your estate taxidermist employed, but to kill a creature and eat the thing? How gauche. Nevertheless, these Lutherans seem to play well on God’s holy day, so we see getting through to nationals. Be wary of this team’s sidelines: LUFDA alums will, as always, be the most obnoxious assholes in Northfield.
5. Iowa – What can we say about Iowa that hasn’t already been said. While The Gentlemen enjoyed their time in this haven whilst preparing for the Iowa caucus, we found the response in Iowa City to be more than lacking. Frankly, The Gentlemen would just as soon see the entire University annexed to the South Central region. From Cedar Rapids to Des Moines, the state bleeds Santorum. Iowa City, however, has continued to be the red-headed stepchild in the state’s conservative love affair, consistently preferring the Bachmanns and Romneys of the world to the more pragmatic candidate. The Gentlemen are fed up. So much, in fact, that while at the Chalet du Crawford, The Gentlemen convinced T-Sizzle that a one-time exception to the typical seeding constraints is in order. Iowa will earn the 5 seed, deserve the five seed, hold the five seed, and shit the bed at nationals. Mark our words.
While The Gentlemen are firm believers in spankings, brought to you by Wilson Leather®, we are decidedly less supportive of dark horses, upsets and the like. We will wrap this up by paying homage to the dregs of the region:
- UW-Milwaukee has declined their bid to regionals as they were told to cease all USAU competition in exchange for joining the AUDL as a top seeded playoff team.
- Upon hearing the University of Nebraska-Lincoln was suspended from regionals due to an unfortunate cornballer incident, The Gentlemen stepped in and paid off the right people so that Warren Buffett could watch his beloved alma mater play.
- Marquette is expecting a sudden appearance by Dwayne Wade, but barring this occurrence, the Gentlemen expect nothing from them.
- We have heard rumors of a bounty & eavesdropping scandal threatening Winona’s season and forensic evidence suggest that Shane Hohenstein and Muffin Malacek are the financiers.
Thank you, friends, for tuning in yet again. It is always a pleasure for us to spit hot fire your way. We are pleased to announce that for the first time ever you can follow The Gentlemen on Twitter! Follow TheGentlemenNCR all weekend long for candid analysis, fashion tips and tricks, and lots of Instagramming. With that said, The Gentlemen and our dear friends at Napa Auto Parts® wish you a wonderful North Central Regionals.