The Gentlemen’s Guide to North Central Regionals 2013 (Mailbag Edition)

by | May 3, 2013, 10:33am 0

Can this truly be the seventh edition of the Gentlemen’s guide? Markets have crashed, governments were overthrown, pro ultimate leagues sprouted like weeds, but every spring the Gentlemen would deliver the goods. Under our tenure, the UPA begot the USAU and the Central region begot the North Central region. Indeed, the only safe harbor the region has found during these turbulent years has been our unimpeachable predictions and commentary. Yes, we’ve been handsomely compensated for our work: we take solace in our Gucci loafers, Ace of Spades magnums and other pleasures of the flesh, yet they are mere distractions from the great burden foisted upon us.

We’re tired. Not from our exertions on Jet Skis with your girlfriends. Not from our daily bikram yoga sessions with Sting, or SpaceShipOne test flights. No, it’s the expectations of millions of readers, waiting with bated breath, that has taken an inexorable toll upon our souls.

Lucky for you, the ever-resourceful Gentlemen struck upon a golden idea: the Gentlemen’s Guide to North Central Regionals – Mailbag Edition. We put out the call, and the region responded. Our poor butler Frederick has toiled countless hours, sorting all the correspondence, selecting only the most burning questions for the Gentlemen’s attention.  If we do not respond to your inquiry here, by all means reach out on Twitter. Without any further ado, we begin:

Odds the tournament is played in something other than snow/rain/hail?” – Jimmy, Minneapolis, MN

We predict a thundersnowpocalypsiquake, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. While one might think that the common Midwesterner’s affinity for horrid weather is simply a sign of their dullness, it serves them well in ultimate. Nasty weather is the anvil upon which North Central region forges its champions. Also, the Gentlemen spent a tiny fortune on direwolf-fur parkas, and this is our only chance to wear them, so winter better be coming.

“Who are the best dressed men and women of the NC Region?” – Jesse

We are! Thanks for writing Jesse.  Next question.

From our loyal reader [name redacted due to ongoing SEC investigation]:

“I’m looking for some ultimate stock advice. Ups and downs.  Bears and bulls. A couple things:

1. Surest bet?  Everyone likes a winner.  Which team is finishing first overall?

The Gentlemen have never been shy about our admiration for all things Carrolton, such as the administration’s choice to invest their endowment with our preferred hedge fund- as well as their exorbitant tuition rates. Alas, we fear that their rule of the region may be in danger of coming to an end. Even worse, we fear that the usurpers may be a team full of “under-privileged” state schoolers. To imagine a world in which the championship team is not comprised of one percent-ers is horrifying. Alas, we must read the writing on the wall: we believe this is the year University of Minnesoda – Minnesoda finally claims a regional title.

2. Who is your pick for a buy-low all-region candidate?

Firstly, buy low and sell high is a typical mistake made by the small investor.  The Gentlemen are chief proponents of the school of investing known as Buy High, Sell Higher. Still for discussion’s sake we will dip our pedicured toe in the “junk bonds” of the frisbee world, if only for a paragraph or two. There are a few diamonds in the rough; one that comes to mind is Jason Tschida on Greigh Duck. Despite his diminutive, elfin frame, Jason is an unsung hero for the U. Another one to look out for is Andrew Meshnick. Known for his soft touch and hard heart, this former boy-band heartthrob turned Hotdag is looking to make his bones this weekend.

What scotch pairs well with below zero wind chills etc.? – Greg, Brookfield, MN

Ah Greg, you are certainly a man after our own tastes. The Islay scotches are a perfect pairing for the colder climes, please stop by our litter this weekend for a couple fingers of our finest. For those less refined readers, we suggest you visit the Luther College sideline. Whatever bathtub gin those decidedly uncouth individuals are swilling will surely suffice.

Did Iowa make regionals this year? – Jimmy, from Middle-Left Iowa

Iowa has a frisbee team? I’d bet it has some serious involvement in this.

UMD made nationals last year but lost some key stoners for this season.  Despite this, I expect them to make noise yet again. Thoughts? – Jay, Platteville, WI

The only noise we expect the Duluthians to be responsible are the cries of terrified children at the sight of their garish jerseys. We understand that not everyone wants to play in our preferred uniform of cricket sweaters and knickerbockers, but UMD couldn’t get within a mile of a municipal golf course in those shirts.

Sadly, that is all we have time for. Wrapping things up, the Gentlemen caught wind that regionals has been moved to Cedar Falls, Iowa.  Captain Kingsley, our Dreamliner pilot, informed us that there are no airports large enough in the area to handle the Happiness One.  He’s actually not convinced the city exists whatsoever and as such, we will be following the action from the comfort of our private bungalow in the Caymans.  We have some… business… matters to attend to.  Farewell, dear readers, and enjoy the pinnacle of USAU regional play!


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