Dumpster Diving

by | February 17, 2014, 6:56am 0

As is customary, blog number three will start by addressing a couple of my adoring fans. The first is Mr. Jeremy Wiggins, who showed a bit of concern about how shortsighted my last post was about the Portland scandal. Jeremy, you are correct: my blog will continue to be rife with shortsighted analysis for the sake of humor and ease. Doing real journalism is hard work and not to my liking. And quite frankly, judging by what is popular in media, the less thoughtful and more incompetent the story, the better it does. And if Facebook has taught me anything, it’s that popularity is the only thing worth striving for.

Moving on to Mr Ben B., who didn’t appreciate the trash talk. Ben, if you could meet me over at the meme with the South Park ski instructorIf you think I am going to write a blog without talking trash you are going to have a bad time. Moreover, I would like to share secret with you: talking trash is not always a bad thing. It’s a strategy used by plenty of pundits, coaches, and athletes, and if done properly, it can elicit responses that are positive.

"Together" from Beau's upcoming book.

“Together” from Beau’s upcoming book.

Really, trash talking has been used by key figures since the beginning of time. If you’ve read the Bible, you know about the original trash talk of the snake to Eve. It probably went something like this:

Snake: Yo Eve, you looking mighty fat these days.

Eve: You’re kind of right. What should I do, snake?

Snake: Start eating apples. They’re high in nutrients, low in carbs, eventually, they’ll say an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Eve: What is a doctor?

Snake: Eat the apple and find out.

Or perhaps you read science books (this excludes Texas, Louisiana and Tennessee) and prefer the original evolution trash talk:

Ancient Shark: You’re so fat, im going to eat you.

Clever Fish Ichthyostega: Ha, well I am going to go walk on land where you can’t get me. See ya.

Either way, Ben, it was trash talk that got us out of that boring garden or out of that cold ocean so that we could play ultimate. Now, fast forward either four thousand years or 374 million years (depending on your resistance to science) to a Revolver practice last year. If you were to show up to a Revolver practice you would be surrounded by trash talk. It would be seeping, perhaps even pouring out. Either way, it would certainly be about.

Trash talk gets emotions involved and raises the stakes. No one likes to be called a beached whale (except maybe Martin Cochran, who may be suffering from some sort of Stockholm syndrome). But what is worse than being a beached whale? You guessed it: getting D’d up by a beached whale. You want to practice with the highest possible consequences. Lose a scrimmage or drill to a beached whale and I guarantee you will be doing extra work to make sure it never happens again.

Now lets put on suit of blubber and pretend to be Martin. You can barely catch enough food in your baleine and you really want to shut Beau up, so you build an Olympic lifting platform inside your house so you can get strong enough to do it. True story. And now I, in rebuttal, must build a gym in my garage. The cycle continues, we both benefit, and when we finally get to play together I know we are both ready all because of a little trash talk.

Anyway Ben B., if you apply the same logic to the MLU, they should be pissed, but more importantly they should be building Olympic lifting platforms and plotting ways to shut me up. The stronger they get, the better for ultimate because I am fairly certain that in the future both the MLU and AUDL will step on the field together, wearing the same jersey.

Trash talking can be extended to any arm of ultimate. For example I could mention how the USAU website is possibly the worst website ever or bring up how every piece of Five Ultimate clothing I own has never had a working pocket zipper. I really like the people at both organizations– they are my friends, so why would I do that? Because I think it’s okay to want and demand better from your friends, and trash talking, if done right, is a fun way to do it.

Mr. Richard Sherman of the Seattle Seahawks is the latest to fall victim to the negative connotations associated with trash talk. Sure, I personally would never condone acting that way after the game, but… If I were Crabtree and I had to lose to Sherman and I knew that Sherman would either one, act with class or two, act like Sherman and taunt me after making a great play to seal my loss, I can easily say that I’d take option two. The offseason would be filled with highly motivated workouts along with a framed Sherman picture and quote on my mantelpiece.

Huck Cancer

A bit of background as I transition to my final statement to prove how trash talk can be positive: I have been seduced by a great organization called Early Recognition Is Critical (ERIC) to produce a children’s book about cancer and ultimate. Should all go according to plan, this book will be out by Huck Cancer– a tournament that ERIC puts on to raise money to promote its cause–on March 22. Everyone should sign up, it’s a great cause and a fun tournament.

"The Skys are Closed," from Beau's upcoming book.

“The Skys are Closed,” from Beau’s upcoming book.

Back to the trash talk, I don’t think anyone or anything at the Huck Cancer tournament can score on me. Not a single person, nor a beast nor even a dinosaur. What if I do get scored on, you ask? Should this terrible and probably lucky event occur, chances are that it will be by a dinosaur who can’t read. But if it is a human, that human will receive a signed copy of my new book along with the inscription “I scored on Beau and it was really easy”. To aid you in make right decision  to come to this tournament I have included a few pictures from the book to whet the appetite.

If you think you got what it takes well then head on over to the Huck Cancer website. Sign up, raise some money for a good cause, and I will see you getting shut down by me in Texas on March 22.

CUT Camp

Also, if you are a young lad out there who wants or needs to receive some personal trash talk directly from me, come to the fabulous CUT Camp on June 15. It will be a great time full of exceptional coaches, lots of learning, and of course the fine art of positive trash talk, which all young people should add to their repertoire if they want to survive in this technological age where anyone can say anything to anyone on the internet.

I will now take my leave for today’s track workout, which is called the Beached Whale Boogie. It consists of 10 by 150 meters with exactly two minutes rest between each run. You want to drop a second off of your time after every two reps, so start kinda slow. I will be aiming for 21 seconds on the first two reps, then 20 seconds on the next two, 19 on the next two, 18 on the next and 17 on the last two, which is about 94% of my full speed. Form is crucial: get your knees up and be relaxed but powerful. The first half of this workout should be almost effortless.

All the best,


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