As we all know, tournaments are the best part of Ultimate. You get to drive across the state, invade your local sports complex, and yell for 7 hours a day. And after all, how many other times in your life do you get access to free animal crackers? However, most everyone has had that one terrible experience: either your shoes got soaked, you broke your knee, or your mom/dad showed up and made out with a teammate. Whether this is your first tournament experience or you just want to guarantee this event is one to remember, here are some preparation tips to make sure your tournament is as enjoyable as cigarettes. Because cigarettes are cool.
- Begin training for the tournament six weeks in advance. Those boat races aren’t going to win themselves.
- Pack light. Cleats and a jock strap should be plenty. Chances are it’ll all get stolen at the field anyway.
- If you are traveling out of state, make sure you know how late liquor stores stay open and pack accordingly. You can’t get drunk off urine. We had to go through four freshmen before we figured that out.
- A silly costume tells the other team you’re going to spike every score and contest every foul, so go ahead and bring that green man suit.
- Avoid packing a pair of pants to change into. That way, you can stumble into Eric (or Erica)’s tent half-naked Saturday night and ask to borrow the shorts he (or she) has on.
- Cash, liquor, and sexual favors are all acceptable ways of telling your driver to the cross-state tournament, “Thanks for not killing us.”
- Have some post-game cheers ready in advance. No one likes having to resort to “Potato chips, potato chips, crunch, crunch, crunch…”
- Scrimmages? Who needs them! No one cares about Ultimate, it’s all about the side games. Divide your team into three and have each section practice for mac line, bendercup, and winning the party, respectively.
- Save money by camping in a church parking lot. The Sunday morning hymns will really help you get your game face on. It worked for Jesus.
- If you’re crashing on the floor of a host’s apartment, the best place to position your sleeping bag is right next to the bathroom. That way you get to smell the relaxing odors of human excrement all night.
Have any pre-tournament tips? Hit us up in the comments.
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