The Gentlemen’s Guide to North Central Regionals

by | April 29, 2011, 2:58pm 0

Namaste, friends! Has it really been a year since our last correspondence? Time certainly flies. The past couple of years the Gentlemen have been wallowing in the spiritual wasteland of luxury and decadence afforded to us by our USAU bailout. Money can buy you chartered flights, man-made islands shaped like Brodie Smith’s head and the kind of Scotch reserved for kings, but it can’t buy you Happiness. (Full Disclosure: back in ’09 there was a stripper at Class Act outside of Northfield named Happiness, but we didn’t technically buy her.)

That’s all in the past. The Gentlemen have dedicated ourselves to philanthropy and sustainable business ventures. Coincidentally, adoption is chic again! Last September we became the happy legal guardians of six Somalian orphans (Wicker, Chim, Zab, Lox, Stewart and Sparling-Beckly). We bought out Gaia Ultimate, single-handedly doubling Canada’s GDP. We created the “Denim for Denim” program where you can purchase a pair of our selvage skinny jeans and we’ll donate a pair to that tribe that just came out of the Amazon. Thanks to a joint venture with Madonna, this year’s USAU Nationals will be fully stocked with Kabbalah water so our athletes can stay well hydrated and magically kosher. Our karma is on another motherfucking level right now. That shit is on point.

Browsing through last year’s prognostications on Wicker’s iPad, we couldn’t help noticing that we were a bit off. We mean to right the ship. With all the goodwill we’ve amassed through our charitable work, plus the intense auditing sessions with our Master Thetan, the Gentlemen are confident we can do so. Let’s give it the old college try!

Another year, another one seed for Carolton Collage. Many of the stalwarts of this squad whom we have come to know and love over the years remain. The Gentlemen will undoubtedly enjoy watching the athletically gifted Xtian Fluster, generously listed at 5’11”, patrol the skies for the Crimson Cuts. The gentlemen have also heard rave reviews about the play of Julian Child-Stalker and expect to see him break down defenses in the same manner his professors have taught him to break down 17th Century prose. As always, Carolton has their strategy set: they’ll demand opposing teams present notarized long-form versions of their rosters and DQ any team who can’t prove they’re from the North Central. Finally, the gentlemen would be remiss if they did not make mention of the vaunted Grunt Lindsley / Patrick Bobbert cutting duo. Like Wisconsin’s economy, these two are ‘Open for Business’©®™.

The two seed appears destined to the University of Wisconsin-Walkerson. This conservatively-minded K-16’s Hodugs will be led by the cerebral play of Bane Fledman. Bane is known for his uncanny ability to shave, throw a massive flick huck, and have a five o’clock shadow by the time the disc is pulled out of the air by Joan ‘Athlete X’ Bergen. The Gentlemen have enjoyed seeing Joan grow into the formidable force she is today, and look forward to seeing her match up against the likes of Mike “Bizarro” Peterson, Alex “Home School” Evangeline and whoever Iowa’s weekly 6’7″ phenom is. The real question the Gentlemen need to answer is, after a one-year hiatus, can the Hodugs return to (North) Central Regional Finals? At the risk of being fooled twice, the Gentlemen say they will.

The three seed seems headed to Minnescrota K-16. The Gentlemen expect this squad to have the biggest pulls, game in and game out, and, thanks to the teachings of Coach Barely Restnikof, they will not go down easily to either top seed. Despite a hold out of near “Brett Favre” like proportions, Chris “Buddy” Demet returns as a 5th (or 6th, no one is really sure) year handler for Minnesota. Expect throws nearly as gorgeous as his sister out of this one. The Gentlemen also expect the youngest Arenson, Grog, to be a vocal and continuous presence in any and all foul calls and on/off-field disputes. The most lovable Quack Attack player in the Gentlemen’s mind this year is the pubescent #5 . Despite being listed as the pseudonymous “Danny Miesen” the Gentlemen can see straight through the ruse. We’ve heard from no less a source than our dear friend Usher that Justin Bieber has been hard at work on his flick and is poised to help the U in any way possible. Despite last year’s second place finish, the Gentlemen see the growing Hupkins HURP influence on this squad as a negative development overall and have downgraded this stock from ‘hold’ to ‘sell’.

And although it pains us, the Gentlemen see no other option for the #4 seed in the tournament than Iowa K-16. While the Gentlemen are all for posterity and boisterousness on the field of play, we also appreciate a quick wit. The droning sounds of I-O-W-AAAAAHHH coming from their field are a nuisance to other teams, neighboring homes, and the sanity of spectators everywhere. The Gentlemen therefore have no choice but to posit that the entire team will be arrested for noise violations and will be unable to finish the tournament.

The Gentlemen believe that this ‘upset’ will open a window for none other than Derek “the Red” Johnson and the Liberal Arts Gang from Lutheran College! We are calling it now, Liberal Arts Bookends on (North) Central Regionals! Although this young team has scarcely a win to their credit, we feel that their experience beating Carleton GOPPY in backdoor semi-ninal’s at Southerns portents big things for them. Or it could mean they lose to Duluth. Our crystal ball’s got a bit fuzzy when we asked them about these games because let’s be honest, no one cares about the 4th bid from the (North) Central Region.

Although the Gentlemen would love to delve deeper into our minds for the remainder of the region we’re simply too pressed for time. We do enough for the little people with our charities anyway. If you see any little Somalian kids this weekend, tell them they need to find their parents. As always, we’ll be the sir’s standing on unimaginably plush carpets, sipping champ’ and getting handies from Happiness.

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